Back To Basics

I have been terrible about food journaling the past week. I've gotten very lazy about it and I know I have to stop. I know tracking my food and calorie intake has been key to my weight loss. I guess I've convinced myself I'm kinda tracking it in my head. But, I know that doesn't really work.

I'm recommitting myself today, right now, to get back on track with my food journaling.

I know food journaling is part of the Prism program and I know how important it is to my new healthy choices and my weight loss. Am I just trying to sabotage myself? Why would I do such a thing? I think when I'm really honest, it's because I know I can fudge a little and have a few extra calories if I'm not tracking each bite. I know all those extra calories add up and will slow my weight loss.

Why can't I seem to keep in mind that when I overeat, I'm just cheating myself?

Also, I've missed the last two meetings due to illness and I know accountability is key. I need to get back on track and recommit to ALL the principles of my plan, not just the ones I feel like doing. I love my Prism support group! They are wonderful women, who encourage me so much every time I am there. I need to get back to my group, and back on plan 100%.

I need to get back to basics TODAY. This MINUTE.

I'm back on track from this moment on. I'll never be this weight again!

22 Things I've Done

This post is inspired by Mama Kat's Pretty Much World Famous Writer's Workshop. Thanks for the inspiration Mama Kat!


I'm 42 years old.

I have:

1) Been to Loch Ness and searched for Nessie (but didn't find her).

2) Flown across the country to meet and stay with a women I met on the internet. My family was convinced she was a serial killer. She wasn't. She was a Presbyterian minister, in fact, and a lovely person.

3) Lived in Seattle and commuted to my stressful job in a high-rise building in downtown (hated it).

4) Lived on a farm and raised cows and grew my own organic vegetables (loved it).

5) Won a Kodak camera in the 3rd grade for winning the school spelling bee. Smart chicks rule!

6) Lost in a beauty contest in the 6th grade (should have reminded myself of #5, but didn't and felt terrible).

7) Had a visit with my deceased grandmother's spirit in the middle of the night. It was beautiful and not at all scary.

8) Helped my grieving friend by unwrapping the Islamic covering from her deceased husband's head so she could see his face and say goodbye. I still have no idea where I got the strength to do it, but I did.

9) Almost had both of my daughters die; one from severe illness and one from being premature. Thank the Lord, they are both alive and thriving and are the joy of my life!

10) Jumped off a 50 ft. cliff into a raging river (don't tell my mother).

11) Graduated with honors from college while married and with a small child. I'm still tired from that experience!

12) Canned my own pickles and dilly beans.

13) Visited Mayan ruins in the Yucatan Peninsula.

14) Attended a world-wide gathering of my family's Scottish Clan in Scotland. Our clan still has an estate and Castle in the Highlands of Scotland! Can you imagine?

15) Chopped down my own Christmas tree.

16) Owned a drive-thru espresso stand.

17) Experienced the eruption of Mt. St. Helen's personally, as it is located near my childhood home.

18) Worked as a cherry sorter, waitress, tree-planter, lifeguard, swim instructor, day care operator, small business owner, and realtor, just to name a few. If I ever served you as a waitress, I apologize now! I only took the job because I was 16 and had a crush on one of the cooks!

19) Survived 7 surgeries.

20) Snorkeled with my husband in a blue lagoon in the middle of a jungle.

21) Been bitten by a poisonous Brown Recluse spider. I hate spiders to this day.

22) Lived in the State of Washington my whole life.

It's Different This Time

Jen over at Watch My Butt Shrinking http://watchmybuttshrinking.com/ wrote a thought provoking post today about setting "due dates" and "deadlines" for losing weight, and how that has derailed her efforts in the past because if she didn't lose a certain amount of weight (like 20 pounds by Christmas), she would feel like a failure. She asked how we felt about setting weight loss "due dates" and "deadlines". Here was my response:

"No “due dates” or “deadlines” for me this time. I’m in it for the long haul. I’m in it for life. I’ve come to realize this can’t be a diet for me anymore, something I start and then stop once I reach my goal weight. It has to be for the rest of my life. Even once I reach my goal weight, I’ll need to keep up the changes I’ve made, and continue my healthy eating and portion control and exercise routine. This time, I’ve decided this is my new life now."

This shows how my thinking has changed this time around. I'm looking at the whole weight loss thing differently now. Many people like the phrase 'Losing weight isn't a sprint, it's a marathon." I've even used this phrase myself, but lately, I'm thinking even that is not quite right. A marathon, though longer and requiring more endurance than a sprint, still has an end. This journey I'm on to lose weight, get healthy, incorporate exercise into my life and maintain my weight loss, has no end.

I guess that why I gravitate toward calling this my journey, because life is a journey and all these healthy changes I'm making aren't just a temporary fix to get into a pair of skinny jeans. Once I get to my goal weight, I'm not going to stop. I'm going to keep tracking my food intake. I'm going to make healthy food choices and monitor my portions. I'm going to continue to make exercise part of my daily life. If I have a bad day, I'm not going to throw up my hands and give up.

I'm going to keep going.

This is my new life.

I'll never be this weight again!

A New Day, A New Perspective

I woke this morning with a new perspective. The past few days have been dark. But, when I woke up this morning, I felt better. I'm still scared about the changes ahead for our family, but I'm choosing to trust God that He has me in His hands and He loves us, and He will give me the strength to do whatever I need to do.

As I watched my husband with our girls this morning, the way he loves them and the way they adore him, I was reminded my husband is truly a good man. He may have been a little lost himself, working in positions that weren't a good fit for him, but he has tried to find his place. He was meant to be a teacher and everyone who knows him, knows that he should be one. He is amazing with kids. He has taught our children with a natural ease that true teachers possess. But, he never wanted to burden our family with going back to school. So, he kept trying to find his place in other jobs, with little success. Teaching is his calling and at nearly 50 years old, he feels if he doesn't do this now, he'll miss his calling for the rest of his life. That would be a loss, not only for all the kids that he could help and positively affect, but how awful would it be to know you were meant to do something and then never be able to do it?

When I married my husband, I vowed to stay with him in sickness and in health, in richer and in poorer. I vowed to be in it for the long haul. I vowed to be in it for the tough times. I vowed to be in it for the times when I don't feel like being in it. I vowed to be in it forever. Through 20 years we have survived many challenges together. He is a good man that has tried to be something he is not, for the sake of not burdening our family. Can't I support him as he reaches for his true calling and way to better support our family? Yes, a million times yes.

My husband is a good man. He has saved me in more ways than I can explain. He is gentle and kind. He is generous. He is supportive of me in every way. He loves me for who I am. He is an incredible father. He makes me laugh... everyday. He has been my soul mate and best friend for over 20 years. He's not perfect, but then neither am I. No one is. But, he loves us and is trying his best.

I can't ask for more than that.
  
"Love is the effort and desire to make someone else everything they were created to be."

Not Burying My Face In A Pan Of Brownies Is Real Progress!

I'm an "emotional eater" as many overweight people are. Instead of working through the stresses life inevitably brings to each one of us, I run to food to soothe and comfort my frayed nerves and take the edge off any negative feelings. For me, the key to losing the weight and then keeping it off, is identifying my emotional "triggers". This week was a great example of this. The first part of the week, I was tracking every bit, every morsel, every calorie I was consuming in my food journal. I was feeling really good about my progress and then suddenly (it seemed) I fell off tracking all together. I still ate according to plan, but I didn't track my calories for the last part of the week. Why the inconsistency this week? Well, looking back over my week, I can identify some major emotional triggers that could be the reason for my veer off course:

Here's a sample of some of my emotional triggers this week:

1) I got sick with a terrible bronchitis.

2) I had to reschedule a job interview because I was so sick I could not stop coughing and I was running a fever and I didn't think it was fair to expose anyone to my illness.

3) I was called in for a second job interview for a different job and was told it could not be rescheduled, so I had to do a two hour interview while sicker than a dog.

4) My husband was diagnosed with skin cancer. This is his second bout with it and they performed a biopsy this week. They think it's basal cell carcinoma, not melanoma, THANK GOD, but it's stressful and scary waiting for the lab results to come back in. Also, he was in quite a bit of pain from the biopsy.

5) My mother and my mother-in-law came for a visit at the end of the week to attend Grandparents Day at my daughter's school. I love them, but even the best company can be draining when you're recuperating from illness.

6) A client of mine made a mistake and I may not receive a paycheck for the months of work I did for her.

7) My husband decided to quit his his job and return to college full time to get his Master's in teaching. He's now looking for part time work that can fit into his new class schedule. This will have a MAJOR impact on our finances, as you can imagine, and while I support him, I am beyond scared.

I'm sure there were other stresses, but these are the main ones that come to mind. It's amazing what one week can bring! So, I guess when I look at this list, I understand why the careful tracking went out the window. In an effort to be more kind to myself (I'm my own worst critic), I'd say the fact I didn't bury myself in a pan of brownies this week is REAL PROGRESS.

I'll take it.

Thank God, no matter what stresses and emotional triggers I may encounter, I'll never be this weight again!

Lessons I Learned From My Brother

My brother is a meth addict. Even as I type those words, a part of me is still startled by this sad fact. It took our family, especially our mother, years to even acknowledge he had a drug "problem". Finally, when the wreckage and carnage of his life was impossible to ignore, my mother finally had to admit he had a problem with drugs.

We tried a family intervention with the help of a licensed counselor/clergy person. It was like a scene from the t.v. show "Intervention", in that we surprised him with the intervention, but it was in my mother's home and not at a hotel and we had didn't have an experienced interventionist. It didn't go too well. My brother responded like most addicts do, with anger. He has always tried to control us and our mom with anger because, frankly, we all hate conflict and suffer from PTSD from years of our abusive father using anger and violence to control us. I guess you could say my brother found what worked for him and stuck to it. He exploded, refused to go to treatment and lashed out at all of us. But, he knew who the weakest link was, our mom, and he really went after her. She was so afraid of losing her relationship with him (typical co-dependent behavior), that she caved almost instantly. Since she was the one giving him a place to live, money to buy drugs and enabling him in every way to be, and remain, a drug addict, without her standing strong and united with the rest of us, the intervention crumbled like a house of cards.

My brother knew in that moment, she would never deny him, and he walked out the door, assured this was just a minor bump in the road, and nothing had changed. He knew he could continue to use and our mom would be there to help him do it. Watching them do their addict-co-dependent dance was surreal. You don't often get to see dysfunction played out in such real detail right in front of you. It was textbook. It was one of the saddest things I had ever seen. I knew in that moment, nothing was ever going to change because my mother was unable or unwilling (or both) to allow my brother to hit bottom. I knew in that moment, my brother would never get clean and sober because my mother wouldn't let him. I knew my brother would die from drugs.

It was one of the saddest days of my life.

I used to judge my brother. I just couldn't understand why he couldn't just stay away from the drugs? Couldn't he see what the drugs were doing to his body, his health, his life? At one time my brother was my hero. He was charismatic and funny and when he walked into the room, you just knew your day was going to get better. He was the life of the party and people just wanted to be around him. He was a hard worker, with a great reputation in the construction industry. He showed up to work early, stayed late and took pride in his work. He never had to look for work, as his good reputation proceeded him and every foreman wanted him on his team. He could work circle around guys 10 years younger than him. He always had money, paid his bills on time, had a new car every couple of years and had a beautiful home.

In the early years of his addiction he was using cocaine. He was still able to function and many people didn't think he was an addict. After many years of being a "highly functional" cocaine user, he was introduced to meth. He told me he was hooked from the very first time he used it. He told me it was a high he had never experienced before and it was so intense, all he could think about was doing it again. He told me from that day forward, he spent 23 hours of every 24 hour day, figuring out how to get more meth. It was at this point his life became completely out of control. He couldn't hold down a job, so he couldn't pay his bills. He lost his home, his wife and his son. He lost his car and was flat broke.

At first, he was still able to get work because of his excellent reputation. But, he would show up just long enough to get some money in his pocket and then he would go missing for days and sometimes weeks, on a meth binge. We called it M.I.A., Missing In Action. My mother would be frantic, calling his cell phone, driving around looking for him, checking hospitals, etc. Of course he got fired for not showing up, but he didn't care. He'd just get another job with another company that knew the "old him", the one who was a hard worker and showed up to work and did a great job.

They didn't know that person was gone.

He would show up and work just long enough to get money for meth and then take off again, and the cycle continued. Because of his stellar reputation, this went on for several years before he had burned every bridge and no one would hire him. He had a new reputation now. He was the sad, pathetic User who used to be a good worker and person before he got into drugs. Now he was homeless, sleeping here and there, sometimes with a family member who felt sorry for him, or in a meth house in filthy, frightening conditions with other meth addicts.

He has lost everything. That is what his addiction has done for him.


I just try to understand.


 Here are the 12 Steps from Over Eaters Anonymous. They are taken from the 12 Steps from Alcoholics Anonymous. Like an alcoholic who is looking for help and finds strength from "working" the 12 steps from AA, I think those of us who struggle with food addiction can find that same kind source of wisdom and strength from these OA steps.

THE OA TWELVE STEPS (taken from the OA website)

"The Twelve Steps are the heart of the OA recovery program. They offer a new way of life that enables the compulsive eater to live without the need for excess food.
The ideas expressed in the Twelve Steps, which originated in Alcoholics Anonymous, reflect practical experience and application of spiritual insights recorded by thinkers throughout the ages. Their greatest importance lies in the fact that they work! They enable compulsive eaters and millions of other Twelve-Steppers to lead happy, productive lives. They represent the foundation upon which OA is built."

 

The Twelve Steps of Overeaters Anonymous

1. We admitted we were powerless over food — that our lives had become unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5. Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.
9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.
11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these Steps, we tried to carry this message to compulsive overeaters and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

Thank God I'm learning about addiction and understanding it more.
Thank God there is support for addicts who want help.
Thank God I'll never be this weight again.

Things I've Never Done

I was inspired by Mama Kat's Pretty Much World Famous Writer's Workshop for this post.

Thanks Mama Kat! http://www.mamakatslosinit.com


I'm 42 years old.

And I've never:

1) Pierced my nose or belly button.

2) Been to Paris.

3) Cheated on my husband.

4) Jumped out a perfectly good airplane for fun.

5) Swam with sharks.

6) Eaten cow tongue.

7) Asked for a famous person's autograph.

8) Been on vacation with my father.

9) Spent more than $100.00 on a pair of shoes.

10) Had plastic surgery.

11) Dated anyone from work.

12) Learned to play cribbage.

13) Vacationed in Hawaii.

14) Owned an I-Pod.

15) Attended a Bar mitzvah.

16) Watched a play on Broadway.

17) Surfed in the ocean.

18) Run a marathon.

19) Been in a movie.

20) Flown in a blimp.

21) Written a book.

Feeling My Feelings

I'm down in the dumps. I'm finally feeling my feelings instead of stuffing my face.

Let me tell you, it's hard.

I'm sitting here crying over so many hurts I have never allowed myself to feel. All the horrible, painful hurts I thought I had eaten away forever, but I now discover were just stuffed deep down inside.

I never dealt with them. I just tried to ignore them and eat them away.

I feel them now. I'm sad and scared and really, really angry.

I don't want to feel these feelings, but I know I have to if I want to change. I have to feel them if I want to lose this weight. I have to feel these feelings if I want to live.

I want to change. I want to lose the weight. I want to live.

I need to feel these feelings. It's okay to feel sad and scared and angry when sad and scary and painful things have happened to you. This is normal. This is right. This is the truth of life, the truth of my life.

I can survive this. They are feelings, that's all. Feelings can't kill me. Sure I may feel lousy today, but I can get through this. I'm strong enough. I know I am.

I'm not going to eat these feelings away. I'm going to allow myself to feel the full range of emotions that make up my life. I'm strong enough. I know I am.

Thank God for the strength to feel my feelings.

Thank God I'll never be this weight again.

Forget Mike, I Want To Be Like Tonk

Tonight I was watching David Letterman and he interviewed Erin Bolster who is a professional horse wrangler and she told an amazing story about how she and her horse Tonk saved a young boy from a 750 pound grizzly bear. The story is absolutely amazing and Tonk is my new hero. Why is a horse my new hero? Because he faced his greatest fear and kept on charging.

We can learn a lot from Tonk. Sometimes life throws at us something so big, so out of our control, all we want to do is retreat like the other horses did and head back to camp, to what is familiar and safe. But, if we are to do something extraordinary, if we are to overcome, we must face our greatest fears, fight our instinct to run and charge forward.

I can't imagine how much that horse did not want to do what his Master was telling him to do. But, against all that he knew from all his past experiences, beyond what his natural instinct was telling him to do, beyond what every cell in his body screamed at him to do, he chose to trust his Master.

I'm afraid right now of so many things. Afraid to fail. Afraid I'll never make my goals. Afraid I will re-gain all the weight. Afraid the future will not be as bright as I always hope it will be. Sometimes I just want to retreat and run back to camp, where I know I'll be safe and I won't have to face something that just wants to eat me alive. But I need to be brave. I need to be courageous. I need to not listen to that instinct telling me to "Run!". I need to trust my Master. I need to risk it all to safe a life.

My life.

I want to be like Tonk.

7 Things I'm Loving in October

1) Online fun via Twitter. Apparently, I have an attention span that last for 140 characters or less. (You can follow me at http://twitter.com/#!/findingkat).

2) Cooler weather, decorating my house for Fall, making homemade soup (okay, that's three in one).

3) The love and support I'm receiving from my friends and family regarding my quest to run a 5K on my 43rd birthday in January.

4) Organizing and helping my daughter plan her country barn wedding:

5) Being able to jog again. (Okay, only 5 minutes at a time, alternated with walking for 30 minutes, but hey, it's a start).

6) Eating more fresh veggies and fruits and learning new recipes. http://www.wholefoodmommies.com/


7) Researching and exploring the idea of starting a new business with a friend.

The Anti-List

There are so many wonderful weight-loss bloggers out there who inspire me daily. One of my favorites is Jack over at Jack Sh*t, Getting Fit  http://jackfit.blogspot.com/. One of things I adore about Jack's blog are his famous lists. They are not only hilarious, but always have a yummy kernel of truth tucked inside each one. It helps to know I'm not alone in this weight loss/fitness quest and Jack reminds me that laughter really is the best medicine!

I was also inspired by Cyndi over at RunRollRepeat http://runrollrepeat.wordpress.com/about/ to write out a list of reasons why I want to lose weight and get healthy. There are so many reasons and I'm going to write out that list, but this first list is going to come from a little different perspective. It's going to be about some painful experiences I went through because I was fat. I don't ever want to forget the pain of being fat because I never, ever want to go back to that place. I'm still fat, don't get me wrong. I still have A LOT of weight to lose, and by no means done yet, but my mindset has changed. I've decided to do it for life this time and I'm not going back.

So here's my Anti-List, so to speak. I should warn you, it's not funny and it's not positive, but it is true.


Ten Horrible Things About Being Fat (that I never want to experience ever again):

1) The bigger I got, the less people saw me. I became invisible to others. I felt sad.

2) I had to take two high blood pressure medications and was at risk for diabetes, stroke and heart attack. I would have left my amazing husband without a wife and my girls without their mother. It wasn't fair to them. I felt scared.

3) I had to have a "special" bridesmaid's dress made for my friend's wedding because I was too fat to wear the dress she chose for me to wear. It looked terrible in the pictures and I felt like I ruined her wedding. I felt embarrassed.

4) I didn't go to my other friend's wedding because I knew everyone from my hometown would be there and I was embarrassed about my weight. My friend and I had been friends since age 4. She was very hurt. I felt guilty.

5) I set a bad example for my girls. I showed them how to turn to food instead of working through their feelings. I felt like a failure.

6) I missed my class reunion, weddings, vacations, outings, parties, business retreats and many, many other social events because I was too fat to participate or to embarrassed to face old friends. I felt like life was passing me by.

7) I avoided certain chairs for fear of breaking them. I felt like a freak.

8) I got winded walking up a flight of stairs. I had been athletic all my life and missed the active girl I used to be. I felt trapped.

9) I was always the fattest girl in the room. I felt ashamed.

10) Food was more important to me than living. I felt lost.


I never want to forget this list, these reasons for never going back. I feel determined.

Thank God, I'll never be this weight again.

I Cheated.... But It Was For Science!

I cheated on my program...kinda. I'm only supposed to weigh-in every six weeks and if you've read any of my past posts, you know I'm a "scale-junkie" and have to fight the urge to weigh myself daily. I've been doing well in this area, I really have, but I just HAD to get on the scale today. But, I had a good reason, I really did! It was for Scientific purposes!

I watched the documentary Forks over Knives and man, it was powerful! http://www.forksoverknives.com/ There are A LOT of medical studies out there and conflicting health information, but this film is based on well documented studies done over long periods of time. If you haven't seen it, let me sum it up for you: It is healthier to eat more fruits and vegetables than animal fat and animal protein. Now, I'm not a vegan or a hippie or any other label you might associate with eating a plant-based diet, but on some level, doesn't it make sense that eating fresh, whole foods is better for you? Anyway, I thought I would try it for awhile and see how I felt. I was hitting a plateau doing what I was doing anyway, so I thought I would switch it up a little. So, since Monday I've been eating more of a plant based diet, heavy on veggies and fruit and a little less meat and dairy. For the first time, I felt like I had the energy to exercise and did the Couch to 5K workout yesterday and I've noticed my digestion seems much better. Well, when I got up this morning I could tell I had lost some weight. I was curious how just a few days of eating this way might have affected my weight loss. So, in the interest of Science, I jumped on the scale...... ( drum roll please)......

I've lost 7 pounds since Monday.

What???? I was shocked and got back on the scale 3 times just to make sure. Wow!

Now, I'm a firm believer we each have to find what works for us on this weight-loss journey we're on and I'm not here to convince you of ANYTHING.  I'm just sharing my experience and if you can take anything from it, great, if not, that's fine too. But, I do think our bodies are smart, and when we hit a plateau, maybe the key is to change things up a bit, either in our diet or exercise routine (or both), to keep our bodies guessing. I'm not a doctor, but this is what is working for me at the moment.

I think I've managed to move past this plateau and that's exciting! I'll never be this weight again!

You Can't Win the War Only Using Tanks

Okay, so let's get this out of the way first. I had my weigh in last night and it was better than I thought. At my first 6 week weigh-in I had lost a total of 28 pounds. For this six week weigh-in, I lost another 13 pounds, to bring my total weight loss to 41 pounds in 12 weeks. I'll take it! Whoo hoo!

However, it's apparent to me and to anyone who can do first grade math, that my weight loss is slowing down. Eliminating sugar, processed, refined carbs and junk out of my diet and adding, fresh, whole foods, water and portion control has helped me to shed the weight so far. But, I am concerned that I'm hitting a dreaded plateau and shared my fears with ROC (my hubby, and my ROCK in more ways than one), and he gave me the most brilliant advice (as he often does):

"You are in a battle Kat. You can't win the war only using tanks. You have to use every weapon in your arsenal."

The man is a genius! (No really, he is! His IQ is off the charts). Anyway, I have been relying on dietary changes ALONE to kick Fat in it's ugly face. That has been effective and let's be honest, who doesn't like to kick Fat in the face?  But, now I've got to dip into my arsenal and pull out the big guns, so to speak. Are you ready for it?

I actually have to start exercising.

Now to tell some of you I've lost 41 pounds in 12 weeks without stepping foot on a treadmill is really pushing it, I know. (I wouldn't like me much right now, if you've been getting up at the crack of dawn to exercise and haven't lost much, but bear with me here.)  To lose the remaining 59 pounds to reach my goal of losing 100 pounds and get fit and healthy, I know it's time to make exercise a part of my daily life. I have to tell you, I cringed a little bit at that last statement, but I know it's time. I've been lazy for too long in this area. I know the health benefits will be immense. I know I will feel physically and mentally better. I know it's good for my heart. I know it must be part of this journey if I'm ever going to make a lasting change. So, first thing on my agenda is to experiment with different forms of exercise until I find something I tolerate like. I know myself. If I'm bored, I won't stick to it.

The best kind of exercise is the kind you'll actually do.

Well, I'm off to exercise land! I'll keep you posted!

P.S. If I don't make it back from Exercise Land, please inform the authorities and my family.... thanks!

Help! I'm Scared! (Hey, I recognize that voice........)

Tonight is my weigh-in to mark the end of my second six week phase on Prism. I've been a little more lax during this 6 weeks than I was the first six weeks, meaning I've gone over my 1500 daily calorie limit a couple of times. But, I have stayed on plan as far as the type of food I'm consuming, so I feel really good about that.

Truth be told, I'm scared. I'm scared that the scale isn't going to show a big number like last time (I lost 30 pounds in the first 6 weeks). I guess I'm not really afraid of the number on the scale, but my reaction to the number and the mind-blowing head game that I fear will ensue. The old me would get frustrated and give up. The old me would say "screw it", all this discipline isn't worth that puny number on the scale! The old me would say "You're a failure... again."  But, that is just Fear talking. I recognize that voice.  It's the same voice that told me to eat whatever I wanted and deal with the consequences later. It's the same voice that told me to stuff my feelings by stuffing my face and all would be better and I wouldn't have to feel my feelings. It's the same damn voice that told me for the last 15 years and 100 pounds of extra weight that I wasn't worth it.

But what that voice doesn't realize is that I'm not listening to it anymore.

What that voice doesn't realize is that this time I have DECIDED.

What that voice doesn't realize is that no matter what number I see on the scale tonight, I'm not giving up. I'm not going back.

So, listen up Fear, I'm not listening to you anymore! You do not rule me!

I will never be this weight again!

The Joy of Loose Clothing

I had a wonderful and joyous moment this week. I had an important meeting to attend at a fancy hotel and so I had to get really dressed up. Here's the wonderful and joyous part: all my pants were too big for me! Yahoo! I went to put on my favorite pair of black slacks and they hung on me like I was wearing clothes that belonged to someone else. I felt like when I was a little girl and I would dress up in my mother's clothes and they would swim on me. It was, in a word... glorious.

I had this same experience one time before when I was on Prism and lost 72 pounds. I put on a pair of workout pants and they literally fell off me. As I gained the weight back, I looked back at that moment as a treasured memory of success. I remembered the feeling and wished and hoped and prayed I would someday have that moment again. I had that moment again yesterday. I almost cried. I guess it means so much to me because it is a visual, kinetic, sensory experience that proves to my brain and heart and mind that yes, I can and AM doing this. I am losing weight. My body is responding to the good choices I'm making. There is hope of getting to my right weight. Hope is a precious thing that needs to be nurtured and guarded. I don't want to ever lose hope and I think experiences like this, while minor in the grand scheme of life, are of major importance to those of us who have struggled so desperately with food addiction. They are milestones. They need to be celebrated, savored and remembered.

If you are a visitor, thanks for stopping by. I'm really glad you're here. If you are on a weight loss journey of your own, I wish you all the best. I know the pain of being overweight and I wouldn't wish that pain upon anyone. I hope you find a program that works for you. I hope you find inspiration from this blog and other wonderful blogs out there in the bloggy world. I hope you get to the point where your favorite pants don't fit you anymore. I pray you never lose hope.

My favorite pants are too big! Yahoo! I'll never be this weight again.