What? No Scale????

Well, the day I had eagerly anticipated finally arrived: Official Weigh-In at the end of my first 6-week phase on Prism. If you've read any of my previous posts, you'll know that the Prism program doesn't allow you to step on the scale until the end of each 6 week phase and it was KILLING me not to jump on the scale and see my progress! But, staying true and accountable to the program and my group, I didn't step one toe on that scale one time during these past 6 weeks.

Then, FINALLY the weigh-in day arrived this past Monday. I showed up to Prism group practically jumping with excitement to get on the scale and see what all my hard work and determination had done to move that number down the scale! For the weeks leading up to my big weigh-in, I kept telling my husband that I would be happy with "anything over 10 pounds". My very kind and very wise husband gently reminded me this journey wasn't about the number on the scale, but rather about making better food choices and becoming healthy. In my heart I knew what he was saying was true, but being the typical type-A that I am, I wanted to see a NUMBER that signified my pain and sacrifice was WORTH IT.

Well, I arrived at class, and guess what? The gal who was supposed to bring the scale was unable to make the meeting! I almost died!!!! All my pent up anticipation, all my waiting, hoping, obsessing and now NO SCALE? I admit, I was more than a little disappointed. I felt robbed! But, as we began to discuss how the number on the scale really isn't the goal here, but more of a tool in our weight loss journey, I began to see things a little differently. The real point of this weight loss journey is to become healthy, whole, vital and all we were made to be. My husband was right. My group was right. I was still letting the number on the scale determine my self-worth. I get that now. Just as much as when I was gaining weight and the number going up on the scale affected my self-worth, I was still letting it determine my self-worth, even though the number was going down.

If I don't break this cycle, this distorted way of thinking, how will I ever be able to feel good about myself? The short answer is: I won't. I understand now, the number on the scale is an "indicator" only. It can show me how my food choices are affecting the molecular make-up of my body, but it doesn't determine my self worth.

I'm glad the scale was not available that night. I would never have learned this very important lesson. This journey is about making better food choices and becoming the healthy, vital woman God created me to be.

I am more than a number on a scale.

By the way.... I was given permission to weigh at home and guess what? I lost 28 pounds! I'm making better choices and becoming healthier. I'm no longer obsessing about the weigh-in next time. If I don't lose as much next time around, I won't be disappointed and beat myself up for it and fall off the wagon.

There is joy in the journey!

Rebellion + People Pleasing= Staying Fat

I'm struggling this week for the first time since beginning the Prism program. My husband asked me how it was going on Monday and I told him it was the first day I just didn't feel like being on a diet. But, I went to my Prism group that evening and I felt so encouraged by all my Prism buddies! Also, the video we watched talked all about how it was normal to feel "rebellious" and even angry at this point in the program. I was relieved to hear I'm not alone in how I'm feeling and that others felt the same way at Week #4. The video discussed how I might not feel like writing down everything I eat in my food journal. I can totally relate! I'm feeling very much like I just don't want to weigh and measure and record every little thing. I'm kinda angry that I even have to. I just want to eat like everyone else. The experts on the Prism video told me I would most likely feel this way, and guess what... I DO.

Today was a prime example of why I am over weight. Today I felt very hurt by a friend. I even felt a little used by her and it really made me feel bad. But, instead of sharing how I really felt with her, I smiled, pretended everything was okay and completely skipped writing my entire lunch on my food journal. I wanted to feel full. My heart hurt. My feelings were hurt. I wanted to eat. I came home after seeing her and just started eating. Granted, I ate foods that were on the plan, but not knowing how many calories were in my lunch, I had no idea how many calories I even had left for the day. I didn't want to think about it. I just wanted to eat. At that point I quit caring about myself and my Wish List and my goals and my hopes and my dreams and my health. Why do I care more about not hurting others (who clearly don't mind hurting me) than I care about hurting myself? Once again, why do I put myself, my feelings, my schedule, my plans, my desires below those of everyone else? Clearly, I need to learn how to be honest and tell people how I really feel. Am I so desperate to be loved by everyone, that I am willing to de-rail myself and my weight loss plan? I guess at this point, sadly, the answer must still be .... yes. But, as sad as this sounds, I know I don't want to keep behaving this way. I want to learn to tell the truth in love. I no longer want to sacrifice everything that is important to me just to please others. I don't want to give up my hopes and dreams and my future for anything or anyone. I don't want to be fat anymore. I want to change. I'm going to get honest with people, no matter how uncomfortable it makes me feel. I'm not going to turn to food and eat my feelings away. I'm going to change. I'm never going to be this weight again.

How do you cope with hurt feelings instead of turning to food?