I'm Not Perfect, But I've Still Lost 70 Pounds

The past three weeks have been crazy. My new job is, at times, overwhelming and draining. I'm working 10-12 hours every day. I feel my life getting out of balance, but I'm trying to get things back under control. I have been HORRIBLE about tracking and writing things down, but I've been working through lunch most days and if anything, on most days, I'm eating much less than my allowable 1500 calories. My exercise routine has suffered, too. But, I've been running around all day at work, using the stairs instead of the elevator and I've managed to get in 45 minutes to an hour of running each week. I've missed my group for the past two weeks, too. Yet, somehow, despite all of my failings, I'm still managing to lose weight. I dropped 10 pounds in this last phase and today I jumped on the scale, and I'm down another 5 pounds. So, despite my crazy work schedule, I've officially lost 70 pounds as of today. I'm not doing everything perfectly, but I am still sticking to my allowable foods list, controlling my portions, moving more and getting some running in each week. And most of all, when I'm stressed out of my gourd (and believe me there have been many stressful days lately), I'm NOT turning to food to soothe my frayed nerves. This, more than anything, is what is helping me continue in the right direction. I'm consciously choosing to deal with my stress, my emotions and my life by allowing myself to feel and process my feelings instead of stuffing them down with food. I've cried. I've been pissed. I've spoken my mind. I've prayed. I've sang. I've exercised. I've taken a nap. I've done many different things to cope with the stress of my life, but I haven't stuffed my feelings or my stomach. Maybe I'm finally learning how to really feel and really live. Maybe if I give up the notion of being perfect and just strive to do my best to do what I know to do (eat less, move more, and feel my feelings) I'll continue losing... and I'll never be this weight again.

I RAN MY FIRST 5K!!!!

I RAN MY FIRST 5K!!!! I DID IT!!!  On New Year's Day I got up at 8:00 in the morning and got ready to drive 30 minutes to the location of the "Annual Hangover 5K". I was SO nervous. Actually, I was scared to death. What if I was last? What if people laughed at the chubby girl trying to run a 5K? What if I couldn't finish? What if, what if, what if???? I felt nauseated and I almost thought of calling it off. But, I had been training for months to get ready for this and I had run it on the treadmill, so I knew I could finish it. But, most  importantly, I knew in my heart I would be so disappointed if I didn't do it. I've made so many excuses on my way to gaining 100 pounds, and I just didn't want to make one more excuse. I want to be a "finisher" and not a "quitter". So,  I woke my husband and my 12 year-old daughter and told them we were going. My husband said, great, they'd get ready and then he said he wasn't sure how serious I was about this. I said "very serious" and he said, "Let's go!" I love that man.
On the way there, my nerves were really getting the best of me and my husband could tell I was really nervous, so he said he and my daughter would run it with me. He is one of those amazing people who stays in pretty good shape all the time and so he can just decide one morning to run a 5K. And, my daughter had been in cross country for years and can run like the wind, so  I had no doubt they could join me with no problems. When we got there, we signed up and then WAITED. I saw many serious runners there, with special shoes and running gear and fancy gadgets to track their stats. I didn't care. I wasn't there to compete with anyone. I was there to compete against myself. I had something to prove, not to anyone else, but just to myself. There were some families running together and some older people running, too. I told my husband if the 80 year-old grandpa pushing his granddaughter in the running stroller beat me, I was just going to give up, but besides that, my only goal was really just to finish. I had told myself I would LOVE to finish in 45 minutes, but just finishing was the goal, and a 45 minute time, would be a bonus. My best time on the treadmill was 55 minutes, so 45 minutes was an aggressive goal for me.
We put ourselves at the back of the pack and when the horn went off, the first thing I noticed was that my lungs were burning! It was only 37 degrees and I wasn't used to the cold. I'd been training on the treadmill in my warm house, so the cold temperature really was a shock to my lungs. The next challenge I hadn't planned for were HILLS. Right at the start of the race was a long, steep hill. Wow, didn't see that coming! Many people walked/jogged up that hill, including me, but once at the top I started back into full run mode. After the fist mile, my lungs stopped burning and I got into a good stride. I was so thankful my family was with me. I was at the back of the pack and had I been alone, I might have felt so embarrassed I might have given up, but having them there with me, it felt okay to be at the back and we were running and having fun as a family. I'm so blessed to have such a loving and supportive family! The last mile there was another hill and my daughter had developed a blister, so my husband hung back with her so I could keep going. As I approached the last stretch, I saw the clock. I hadn't even been thinking about my time! I saw it said 46 minutes! I couldn't believe it! I thought with the cold air and the 2 killer hills, my time would be close to an hour, so imagine my surprise when I saw 46 minutes on the clock! I stepped up my pace and with complete strangers cheering me on, crossed the finished line at 47:21. I was elated! As I grabbed some water and started walking to my car,  I started to cry. I'd come so far. Just a few months ago I couldn't walk 3 minutes let alone run 3 miles. I'd lost 60 pounds and ran my first 5K at 42 years old. I was so thankful. I was thankful for the unbelievable support of my husband and kids. I was thankful for the encouragement of my family and friends. I was thankful for the support of my Prism group friends. I was thankful God had given me the strength to stick to my plan, even when I felt like giving up. I was thankful that finally at 42 years old, I'd learned to love myself enough to stop killing myself with food and start living life.
I'm so thankful I will never be this weight again!

I Did It!!!!

I hope you all had a Merry Christmas! I finally did get out of my funk. In fact, on my worst-funky day, I pounded out my frustration on the treadmill and actually had my best run ever. Finally, after months of working the Couch to 5K Running Program, I actually ran 3.1 miles (5K)!!!!! It felt so awesome as I could feel how far I've come in just the past few months. Six months ago I would get winded walking up a flight of stairs. I couldn't walk 3 minutes without feeling like I was going to pass out, let alone 3 miles.

I wanted to cry with joy.
I even kept my stats up on the treadmill and showed them to my husband.
I felt proud of myself.
I felt hopeful I could see this through all the way to my goal weight and beyond.
I felt empowered.
I felt healthy.
I felt I had made a a change for life.

I realized the true reward of setting a goal can only be realized after working hard and actually achieving it. For so many years I had a goal to lose weight, and I wanted all the good things that came with realizing that goal, but I was unwilling to do the in-between part, the hard work.

I had a dream last night that I gained all the weight back. In my dream I was devastated. I want to hold on to the good feelings I felt after that run. I want to tattoo them onto my mind, body and soul, so I never forget how wonderful I felt in that moment when I reached 3.1 miles. And I want to equally remember the pain of being fat and the devastating feeling that will come if I ever gain it all back.

I'm going to keep those memories alive and if I do, and I keep doing the hard work, I know I will never be this weight again.

An Island Of Calm In A Sea Of Dysfunction

I'm not doing well. My job is a chaotic nightmare of dysfunction and if you knew me, you would know I really can't stand working in dysfunction. I had enough of that growing up with an alcoholic, abusive father, who after years of physical and emotional abuse, blessed my mother and all of us six children by abandoning us. Merry Christmas.

I'm trying to get into the holiday spirit, I really am, but I'm just not feeling it this year. Our tree was up and the house completely decorated the day after Thanksgiving. I was doing awesome with my eating, tracking and exercise and then I had to take this god-forsaken job and now I'm fighting to keep my head above water both with my diet and exercise plans as well as my emotional health. I know I should be thankful I have a good paying job, especially in this economy when so many people are out of work, but it's an emotionally draining job, trying to help vulnerable people in need. Add to that, co-workers who are immature and not qualified and a company that cares more about the bottom line than the people they are supposed to be helping and you have a recipe for not only disaster, but my current funk.

I have to snap out of this. I have to find a way to make myself an island of calm in a sea of dysfunction. I know how to do that. I've been doing it my entire life. I guess I'm just really tired of having to do that. Sometimes I don't feel like being the professional one, the strong one, the organized one, the nice one, the reliable one, the calm one. I know I should be grateful for my blessings and I am. I thank the Lord everyday for the mountain of blessings he has heaped upon me that I don't deserve. I know I should be grateful I wasn't born in Africa, Nicaragua or any other horrible place where life is really hard. I know I'm feeling sorry for myself. I know I am. I know it's wrong, but it's just how I feel. I need to snap out of this, but I just don't know if I have the strength to. I want to tell people to "Grow up!". I don't want to do other  people's jobs because they are too lazy or stupid or both to do them. I don't want to smile when  I really just want to scream or cry. I don't want to go to work every day and put up with other people's b.s. just because I need a paycheck. I want to stay home and be a wife and mother and cook yummy food for my family and make my home cozy and count and track my food perfectly and exercise when I want and have time to write and knit and read a good book.

I have to find a way out of this. I don't want to go backwards. I have to find a way to make this all work because I never want to be this weight again.

Major Victories and Another Milestone

As you may ( or may not know) from previous posts, I started a new job right before Thanksgiving and let's just say, it's been intense. I'm back in the corporate world with a ton of responsibility, goals and quotas to meet, and the on boarding process has been overwhelming at times. I was very worried when I started this job I would slip back into my old habits and God Forbid, gain back even one ounce of the weight I have worked so hard to lose. But, I stepped on the scale this morning and I'm happy to report I'm still losing (drum roll, please)....

60 POUNDS GONE FOREVER!!!!!

I'm so happy I want to cry. I haven't lost a ton of weight since my last weigh-in, but I am losing instead of staying the same or gaining and to me, that is a major victory.

There were some key moments in the last three weeks that I stopped and consciously made the decision to stick to my plan. I truly believe had I let myself slip in those moments I would be writing a much different post right now. For example.....

When my boss, who I wanted to impress offered to buy me a cinnamon roll because she wanted one too and I had the guts to say, "No thank you, I don't eat sugar." Victory!

When I was at my training and orientation and they were serving pasta and in front of all of my new colleagues I skipped the noodles and ate just the sauce and the salad. A couple of people stared, but I didn't care. Victory!

When I was tired from 14 hours of in a training seminar, alone in a hotel room, missing my family desperately and chose to walk on the treadmill for 45 minutes in the hotel gym instead of eating the chocolate bar they gave me in my welcome bag. Victory!

Sometimes for me, it's not just one day at a time, but one moment, one decision at a time. Thank God I've decided this time. Nothing is more important than my health. Thank God I'm learning to love myself enough to make better choices.

Thank God I'll never be this weight again! Victory!

Postive Thinking, Gandhi and a Thanksgiving Loss

“Keep your thoughts positive because your thoughts become your words. Keep your words positive because your words become your behavior. Keep your behavior positive because your behavior becomes your habits. Keep your habits positive because your habits become your values. Keep your values positive because your values become your destiny.”-- Mahatma Gandhi

Wow! This last week has been a whirlwind. I started a new job last Monday and on Thursday I cooked up a storm for Thanksgiving and then my mom came to stay this week for a visit. It's been hectic and wonderful and stressful all at the same time. I guess just life as usual. On the healthy eating and exercise front, despite the holiday and the stress of  starting a new job, I actually got in a couple of good workouts and LOST 2 POUNDS. I stayed on plan perfectly on Thanksgiving and didn't even feel tempted by all the goodies we had in the house. We had three pies, cinnamon rolls, danishes and cookies in the house and I didn't even feel tempted once. There was a time I would have HAD to have some of each and would have OBSESSED about them, knowing they were right out in the kitchen calling my name. This year I didn't even really notice them and I didn't take even a nibble. This change is amazing even to me. What makes this year different from all the other years I dove head first into the holiday season, eating every sugary thing  I could get my hands on? I can't explain it other than this time I've DECIDED to make a change. Like the quote from Gandhi says, I'm keeping my thoughts, behaviors and habits positive. I've made up my mind this time and that has made all the difference.

Last week, I was very fearful that I would fall off my program when I returned to work, but I didn't. I still tracked my calories, ate on plan and got a couple of workouts in. There's a salad bar at my work and so I'm able to eat a very healthy lunch each day, which helps. (I stay away from all the junk in the salad bar and stick to the veggies). So far, so good. In the past, my job was always at the top of my priority list and I was always striving to be the best, even if it meant running my health into the ground. Now, I'm striving to do the best I can, but I'm no longer willing to sacrifice my health and my life for corporate success. I'm striving for balance in all areas of my life. It's interesting,  I'm actually enjoying my work more now, and I'm actually able to balance the multiple responsibilities in my life better now that I'm not a workaholic. I guess I'm starting to learn how to put myself at the top if my own priority list and I'm learning to love myself enough to not sacrifice my life and health for any job, any person, any relationship...anymore.

My goals right now are to continue to work my plan: eating 1300-1500 calories a day, no sugar, no white flour products, no junk food, 8 glasses of water per day and doing my Couch to 5K running program 3 days per week. I'm determined no matter how life may tug or pull at me, I'm going to continue to love myself enough to take care of myself. I know if I continue to stay positive and put my health at the top of my own list, I'll never be this weight again.

Phase 3 Weigh In and Other Life Changing News

I had my Phase 3 weigh-in on Monday and (drum roll please).... I lost another 14 pounds, bringing my grand total to 55 POUNDS! Whoo Hoo! I'm super excited at my progress and really pleased because I actually lost one pound more than my Phase 2 weigh-in!. I think my current exercise plan is staving off the dreaded plateau most people experience around this point.

Currently, I've FINALLY moved past week 2 of the Couch to 5K running program and into Week 3. If I stay on track I will finish the program a week before my first scheduled 5K, which will be the Annual Hangover 5K on January 1st, 2012. What a great way to kick off the new year! I only hope I'll be ready. I can see my progress in my running. I can now run 28 minutes straight, so I'm making progress. A few months ago and 55 pounds heavier, I don't think I could have walked that far on the treadmill without feeling like I was going to die. So, for many people that may not seem like much, but for me, it's another milestone and victory.

In my personal life, things are changing rapidly. My husband is starting graduate school to get his Master's in Teaching and his teaching license. It will take about a year to complete. This means I had to move away from being self-employed and get a salaried position that could pay all the bills. Well, I'm very happy and blessed to say I was offered a very good position and it looks like I'll be back to work full time in Corporate America starting next week.

But, I'm afraid. Being self-employed I was able to exercise and control my eating because I was in control of my schedule and surroundings for the most part. Now, I'm going to have a pretty stressful position and a hectic schedule and I really hope I can continue my weight loss journey the way I have been. I'm very determined not to let this new challenge side-track or de-rail me in any way. I think planning will be key and I've already made a list of foods to have on hand at work so I don't get caught starving with nothing good to eat. Also, the company has a gym and I may try to do my exercise during my lunch hour, in order to relieve stress and keep up on my training.

I'm looking forward to the holidays but don't think I'm going to bake much this year. It's just still too tempting to have sweet treats in the house. I'm looking for healthy, alternative recipes to some of my family's favorite treats and I'll post them here when I find them!

55 pounds gone FOREVER. I'm now in a (loose) size 18 from a 22/24. No matter what challenges I'm facing, I know with the Lord's help I can still reach my weight loss goals. I'll never be this weight again!