I Did It!!!!

I hope you all had a Merry Christmas! I finally did get out of my funk. In fact, on my worst-funky day, I pounded out my frustration on the treadmill and actually had my best run ever. Finally, after months of working the Couch to 5K Running Program, I actually ran 3.1 miles (5K)!!!!! It felt so awesome as I could feel how far I've come in just the past few months. Six months ago I would get winded walking up a flight of stairs. I couldn't walk 3 minutes without feeling like I was going to pass out, let alone 3 miles.

I wanted to cry with joy.
I even kept my stats up on the treadmill and showed them to my husband.
I felt proud of myself.
I felt hopeful I could see this through all the way to my goal weight and beyond.
I felt empowered.
I felt healthy.
I felt I had made a a change for life.

I realized the true reward of setting a goal can only be realized after working hard and actually achieving it. For so many years I had a goal to lose weight, and I wanted all the good things that came with realizing that goal, but I was unwilling to do the in-between part, the hard work.

I had a dream last night that I gained all the weight back. In my dream I was devastated. I want to hold on to the good feelings I felt after that run. I want to tattoo them onto my mind, body and soul, so I never forget how wonderful I felt in that moment when I reached 3.1 miles. And I want to equally remember the pain of being fat and the devastating feeling that will come if I ever gain it all back.

I'm going to keep those memories alive and if I do, and I keep doing the hard work, I know I will never be this weight again.

An Island Of Calm In A Sea Of Dysfunction

I'm not doing well. My job is a chaotic nightmare of dysfunction and if you knew me, you would know I really can't stand working in dysfunction. I had enough of that growing up with an alcoholic, abusive father, who after years of physical and emotional abuse, blessed my mother and all of us six children by abandoning us. Merry Christmas.

I'm trying to get into the holiday spirit, I really am, but I'm just not feeling it this year. Our tree was up and the house completely decorated the day after Thanksgiving. I was doing awesome with my eating, tracking and exercise and then I had to take this god-forsaken job and now I'm fighting to keep my head above water both with my diet and exercise plans as well as my emotional health. I know I should be thankful I have a good paying job, especially in this economy when so many people are out of work, but it's an emotionally draining job, trying to help vulnerable people in need. Add to that, co-workers who are immature and not qualified and a company that cares more about the bottom line than the people they are supposed to be helping and you have a recipe for not only disaster, but my current funk.

I have to snap out of this. I have to find a way to make myself an island of calm in a sea of dysfunction. I know how to do that. I've been doing it my entire life. I guess I'm just really tired of having to do that. Sometimes I don't feel like being the professional one, the strong one, the organized one, the nice one, the reliable one, the calm one. I know I should be grateful for my blessings and I am. I thank the Lord everyday for the mountain of blessings he has heaped upon me that I don't deserve. I know I should be grateful I wasn't born in Africa, Nicaragua or any other horrible place where life is really hard. I know I'm feeling sorry for myself. I know I am. I know it's wrong, but it's just how I feel. I need to snap out of this, but I just don't know if I have the strength to. I want to tell people to "Grow up!". I don't want to do other  people's jobs because they are too lazy or stupid or both to do them. I don't want to smile when  I really just want to scream or cry. I don't want to go to work every day and put up with other people's b.s. just because I need a paycheck. I want to stay home and be a wife and mother and cook yummy food for my family and make my home cozy and count and track my food perfectly and exercise when I want and have time to write and knit and read a good book.

I have to find a way out of this. I don't want to go backwards. I have to find a way to make this all work because I never want to be this weight again.

Major Victories and Another Milestone

As you may ( or may not know) from previous posts, I started a new job right before Thanksgiving and let's just say, it's been intense. I'm back in the corporate world with a ton of responsibility, goals and quotas to meet, and the on boarding process has been overwhelming at times. I was very worried when I started this job I would slip back into my old habits and God Forbid, gain back even one ounce of the weight I have worked so hard to lose. But, I stepped on the scale this morning and I'm happy to report I'm still losing (drum roll, please)....

60 POUNDS GONE FOREVER!!!!!

I'm so happy I want to cry. I haven't lost a ton of weight since my last weigh-in, but I am losing instead of staying the same or gaining and to me, that is a major victory.

There were some key moments in the last three weeks that I stopped and consciously made the decision to stick to my plan. I truly believe had I let myself slip in those moments I would be writing a much different post right now. For example.....

When my boss, who I wanted to impress offered to buy me a cinnamon roll because she wanted one too and I had the guts to say, "No thank you, I don't eat sugar." Victory!

When I was at my training and orientation and they were serving pasta and in front of all of my new colleagues I skipped the noodles and ate just the sauce and the salad. A couple of people stared, but I didn't care. Victory!

When I was tired from 14 hours of in a training seminar, alone in a hotel room, missing my family desperately and chose to walk on the treadmill for 45 minutes in the hotel gym instead of eating the chocolate bar they gave me in my welcome bag. Victory!

Sometimes for me, it's not just one day at a time, but one moment, one decision at a time. Thank God I've decided this time. Nothing is more important than my health. Thank God I'm learning to love myself enough to make better choices.

Thank God I'll never be this weight again! Victory!