Fat Jokes and Other Family Pressures

Today we went to my in-laws for dinner. This is the first time they have seen me since I put back on the weight. I was there about 5 minutes before my father-in-law made a joke about my weight. My weight is ALWAYS the topic of conversation at their house. They are lovely and wonderful people, and I love them more than anything in the world, but I dread the fat jokes, comments and advice about my weight. And to add to it, my sister-in-law recently lost 40 pounds and I'm very happy for her, but it just highlights my weight issue with them even more. No one seems to remember that I'm the main bread winner for my family, work 50+ hours a week, and still have kids I'm raising at home. I would love to have the ability to focus solely on my weight, not work and private pay for a doctor to to help me lose weight like my sister-in-law did, but that is not my lot in life, and I'm just trying to do the best I can with the hand I've been dealt. Am I jealous? No, not really. I love my sister-in-law and want her to be healthy and happy. I'm happy for her and want only the best for her. But, I guess I don't understand how my family cannot see the difference in our lives and give me a little more understanding. It hurts. I'm not just a work horse. I'm a human being, who has put everyone before myself. I guess that's my fault, but I don't see how I really have a choice. If I don't work, we don't eat, it's not an option. If I don't take care of my children, they will suffer. There are only so many hours in the day. I do not have endless resources and time. How do I make myself a priority without letting other things slide?

Asking For Help

Today I did three things to move forward in my journey to lose weight and get healthy. 1) I tracked my food intake via FitnessPal, 2) I skipped the bread and the sugar, and 3) I reached out to my old healthy eating support group and asked if I could come back. They welcomed me with open arms and gave me so much love and support I just wanted to cry. I missed the meeting for this week, but next Saturday we will be meeting and doing our weigh in and I will be turning in my food journal for this week. I'm excited! I know I need the accountability and support of the group and even though I'm embarrassed about putting weight back on, I know it's exactly what I need. I kept telling myself I would go back when I'd lost some weight, but that's like an alcoholic saying they will attend AA meetings when they quit drinking. I am a food addict and I need help. I use and abuse food. It's my drug of choice. I self medicate with food and for a time I feel better but then my problems are compounded because I haven't dealt with the original problems that caused me to overeat and now I have guilt and more pounds to add to my problems. I know this in my head, but it's not enough to know something, you have to do something about it. I have to find a better way to deal with stress. Some people exercise, some people pray, some people find a hobby. I guess so far I haven't found a stress reliever that works for me. Maybe I need to explore different outlets until I find what works. Kind of like your kid trying out different sports until they find the one they like. All I know is I can't keep turning to food. It's killing me. So, here's to my first week back in the plan! 

Facing My Fears

I got on the scale. I had to see where I was, how much ground I've lost and how much weight I've gained back. 37 pounds. I gained back 37 of the 70 I lost. At first I was super depressed about this, but then a little voice reminded me that hey, I was still 33 pounds lighter than when I started. I remember how excited I was when I lost 30 pounds, so shouldn't I still feel good about it now? Yes, yes I should. I guess it's the optimist in me. It's in my DNA to see the glass half full. So,  I'm beginning again, but not from a place of utter defeat. I'm starting again from a good starting place, where I can jump start again off the hard work that lost those 30 pounds to begin with. What am I going to do to get myself on the path? What I know works. Journaling my food, Moving my body daily. Cutting out the bread and sugar. Going back to my group. Daily prayer and devotional time. Allowing time for myself. Making my health a priority. Take one day at a time. All of these small steps over time produce results. Time to take a deep breath and begin again.

Starting Again

Well, here I am again. I can't believe it. I really thought I had a handle on my food issues, but I obviously I didn't. I lost 70 pounds and was well on my way to my goal of losing 100 pounds, so what happened? I was feeling so good! I felt healthy, strong, in control, alive! I just knew I would never slip back, yet I did. Why? 

I kept the 70 pounds off for over a year. I had never done that before. I thought my ability to maintain my weight loss proved I had conquered my food addiction. But, then life happened. It's not an excuse, but it's the truth.  I was in a job where I was verbally abused and harassed on a daily basis. But, the economy sucked and I needed the job. I worked long hours, and didn't get off work in time to go to my support group. Without accountability, I quit tracking. My daughter left home, I put on a huge wedding for her and then she left again, all the way across the United States. I quit my job and got a new and better one. Then, my 84 year old mother got the news: she had lymphoma and would need round the clock care as she endured chemo. It was during this time, I just lost it. I couldn't seem to focus on my weight, my food journal, exercise or anything. It was like I was just focused on bringing her through her ordeal and that was all that mattered. I didn't matter. So here I am. Scared to even step on the scale for fear of what it will say. I know I have to face it. I know you cannot change what you are unwilling to face. Why can't I face it?