I'm struggling this week for the first time since beginning the Prism program. My husband asked me how it was going on Monday and I told him it was the first day I just didn't feel like being on a diet. But, I went to my Prism group that evening and I felt so encouraged by all my Prism buddies! Also, the video we watched talked all about how it was normal to feel "rebellious" and even angry at this point in the program. I was relieved to hear I'm not alone in how I'm feeling and that others felt the same way at Week #4. The video discussed how I might not feel like writing down everything I eat in my food journal. I can totally relate! I'm feeling very much like I just don't want to weigh and measure and record every little thing. I'm kinda angry that I even have to. I just want to eat like everyone else. The experts on the Prism video told me I would most likely feel this way, and guess what... I DO.
Today was a prime example of why I am over weight. Today I felt very hurt by a friend. I even felt a little used by her and it really made me feel bad. But, instead of sharing how I really felt with her, I smiled, pretended everything was okay and completely skipped writing my entire lunch on my food journal. I wanted to feel full. My heart hurt. My feelings were hurt. I wanted to eat. I came home after seeing her and just started eating. Granted, I ate foods that were on the plan, but not knowing how many calories were in my lunch, I had no idea how many calories I even had left for the day. I didn't want to think about it. I just wanted to eat. At that point I quit caring about myself and my Wish List and my goals and my hopes and my dreams and my health. Why do I care more about not hurting others (who clearly don't mind hurting me) than I care about hurting myself? Once again, why do I put myself, my feelings, my schedule, my plans, my desires below those of everyone else? Clearly, I need to learn how to be honest and tell people how I really feel. Am I so desperate to be loved by everyone, that I am willing to de-rail myself and my weight loss plan? I guess at this point, sadly, the answer must still be .... yes. But, as sad as this sounds, I know I don't want to keep behaving this way. I want to learn to tell the truth in love. I no longer want to sacrifice everything that is important to me just to please others. I don't want to give up my hopes and dreams and my future for anything or anyone. I don't want to be fat anymore. I want to change. I'm going to get honest with people, no matter how uncomfortable it makes me feel. I'm not going to turn to food and eat my feelings away. I'm going to change. I'm never going to be this weight again.
How do you cope with hurt feelings instead of turning to food?
My journey to lose weight, get healthy and find my inner skinny girl.
Hi Kat, I found you thru the terrific comment you left on Tony's blog.
ReplyDeleteAnd I can relate SO MUCH to this post! In fact, I am still learning how to handle strong negative emotions. I am still learning that it's okay, just FEEL them, process it, deal with it, and it's not gonna kill me... I will survive just fine. My lifelong habit had been to escape painful stuff. Escape into food, mostly.
I appreciate your honesty, and how you are choosing to put your dreams ahead of people pleasing! This was so great to read.
Rettakat,
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for your encouragement! I really appreciate you taking the time to read my blog and share your thoughts and feelings with me.
I'm still learning how to cope with my food addiction and the behaviors that accompany it. I guess you could say I'm a recovering People Pleaser, too! For me, it goes hand in hand with my weight issues. Instead of being honest with people about how I felt, I would stuff my feelings and my face. I'm learning to be more honest now, because my very life depends on it. But, it's not easy and I'm very much a work in progress!
We're all in this together and I'm inspired and encouraged by people like you, who take the time to share their journey with me. I hope you continue to value yourself enough to feel your feelings and keep your health, hopes and dreams at the top of your own list of priorities!
If we do, we'll never be this weight again!
Kat