A terrible, horrible, sucky day

Today sucked. My mother hates that expression, but it really works for a day like today. It's like the universe decided I needed a month's worth of stress rolled into one single day. Ugh. And here's the worst part, I discovered that even after dropping 40 pounds in the past two months, I am still turning to food in times of stress. That is the most stressful part of all! I just want to run out on my front deck and scream to the world, "Why, why, WHY?????" I have to learn some better coping skills here. I thought I had a handle on this whole food addiction of mine, but today showed me how old habits die hard. It's so bizarre when it's happening, too. The stress comes and then suddenly, I'm blindly, eating in a semi-conscious state. I just want to soothe my rattle nerves and make all the icky feelings go away and ahhhh, food seems to make it all better.

I hate that it does.

But, then I realize it is so temporary, so fleeting and then I'm left with the thing I hate even more: the guilt. I'm tired of the game and I really don't want to play anymore. Yes, I had a bad day, we all do. Did I go completely off plan? Yes and no. I didn't eat any foods not allowed on my plan, but I didn't track calories or weigh or measure and I know I ate over my allowed 1500 calories for the day. But, it is just one day. If I have learned anything from reading all the many wonderful, honest, helpful and inspiring weight loss blogs out there, I have learned that one day is just one day. It does not have to totally derail me. I won't let it.

Tomorrow is a new day. I can get back on plan. I will get back on plan.

The old me (before I DECIDED), would've just said screw it and inhaled every sugary, chocolate, calorie laden junk food I could find and never look back. But, I didn't do that. Yes, I still turned to food. Yes, I ate more calories than I should have, but I didn't go completely nuts.

That's progress. I'll take it.

Despite a bad day, I'll never be this weight again.

40 Pounds Gone!

I had a great time at my family reunion! My sister and I got along well, mainly because we both chose to act like the last 2 years never happened. I guess we both figured for the comfort of the other people at the reunion, it wasn't the appropriate time or place to have a major hashing out of our relationship. I was relieved.

Everyone noticed my weight loss and seemed happy for me. My mom and one of my sisters were so inspired by my weight loss they want to join Prism, too. I did really well sticking to plan and resisting temptation and believe me, it was no easy feat. Our family loves to eat. Our bonding and socializing has always been centered around food and lots of it. But, I am determined. I have made up my mind this time. I didn't cheat. Not one bite. The key for me was to have on-hand the food I know I can have. I was really prepared with all my favorite foods and so I never really felt deprived. Granted the birthday cake and cheese cake were tempting, but my weight loss keeps me motivated. It really is true: nothing feels as good as thin feels!

When I got back from the trip, I really wanted to make sure I had stayed on track so I weighed myself. I've lost 40 pounds so far! I'm beyond thrilled! I think I actually lost a couple of pounds on vacation! 40 pounds in 8 weeks is a dream come true and I finally feel I'm well on my way to reaching my goal.

I just finished reading 'Made to Crave" and I highly recommend it to any woman who has struggled with her weight for a significant part of her life. It really provides some helpful insight into the spiritual hunger most overweight people struggle with.

I also started the Couch to 5K Running Program yesterday and to my amazement, I could actually jog again! I used to run 7 miles everyday and loved it. But, that was about 20 years ago and as the weight went up, the jogging went down and then I eventually hated exercise altogether. I avoided it like the plague. But yesterday, something amazing happened. As I was jogging, I had that feeling again. It's a feeling which is very hard to put into words, but I'll try: I felt FREE. Now I know what you're thinking, no way would I feel FREE jogging anywhere, anytime, but hear me out. There is something amazing that happens when you do something you didn't think you could do. Your mind and body are responding to the special treatment and that feeling is their wonderful way of saying "thank you". If you hated exercise as much as I did (and sometime still do), I hope you'll try it again. You might surprise yourself with what you can do!

I will never be this weight again!

Amen

This Is A Test, Only A Test

I'm leaving for my annual family reunion tomorrow. I have mixed emotions as I prepare for this year's trip. I love my family, I really do, but they are, well, how do I put this delicately.... NUTS. We come from a broken and abusive home, and from broken parents. This has manifested itself in many shades of co-dependency and dysfunction. Each one of us learned to cope in different ways, but it seems using food as a way to self-medicate is something we all have in common. Food and eating has always been the glue that helped our shattered family stick together. Our faith played a major role, too, don't get me wrong. But, food and eating was the one place where we could all find common ground. Well, this year, I'm not going to be participating in the same way I have for most of my life. My view of food has changed radically over these past few months. Now, I'm starting to view food as fuel for my body instead of a soothing salve to make my problems disappear for awhile and numb me to the harsh realities of life. I know this week-end I will face tremendous temptation, not only with the kind of food available, but the lure of wanting to bond with my family using food. How will I resist these temptations: both the physical and the emotional? I think preparation is key.

First, I'm aware of what I'm going to face. I'm not in denial about it. I know it's going to be hard, and my success will depend not on will power alone, but by recognizing my triggers and having a plan. I know for me, I'm often triggered by feelings of rejection or by confrontation. As I write this, my older sister isn't really speaking to me. Despite multiple attempts on my part to extend the olive branch, she is mad at me and really hasn't spoken to me in over a year. We used to be very close and I've grieved over the loss of our relationship, but I've come to realize I cannot make her love me (nor do I want to "make" anyone do anything, especially love me). I've come to realize this is her problem, not mine. However, this will be only the second time I've seen her in over a year, so this presents both of my triggers, rejection and confrontation all rolled into one. After much prayer, I have concluded I will do my best to love her, forgive her, and move on. If she chooses to treat me unkindly, I've decided to do one simple thing: walk away.I'm not going to engage in bitter confrontation. I'm not going to participate in co-dependent drama. If she wants to talk privately with me and mend our relationship, great! But, I'm not going to allow myself to be sucked into anything negative or destructive. Not simply because I don't like confrontation, but because IT'S NOT GOOD FOR ME. I've finally decided that, I MATTER TOO. I'm not going to allow anyone or anything to de-rail me, or get me off track in any way. I've come too far and have too much at stake to allow anything to sabotage my progress.

So friends, please say a prayer for me if you would. I need all the help I can get. This reunion will be a test for me on many, many levels. But, in the end, it's only a test, not a place where I need to stay. I believe with the Lord's help, I can be victorious even in the toughest situations. I'm imagining how wonderful I'll feel after the end of the reunion when I look back at how well I stayed on my program, and had fun with my family at the same time. I can do this! I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me!