Wish List- Part One

As my daughter sits here eating brownies in front of me and while the entire house smells like one giant, ooey, gooey, extra delicious dessert, I thought  now would be a good time to remind myself of just some of the things on my Wish List once I reach my "right weight".

First, I want to be able to wear cute clothes again like I used to. Once upon a time, I had a rockin' body. No one looking at me now would ever imagine it, but I really did. I was always athletic growing up and never had to worry about my weight. Even after the birth of my first child, I whipped myself back into shape by dieting and running. I not only lost the pregnancy weight, but more, and was in the best shape of my life. I was 22 years old. Then, I landed my first real professional job, which required long hours commuting and sitting behind a desk and over the years, the running became less and less and my weight became more and more. Now, 20 years later, I am seriously overweight and running has been relegated to something I'd do if my house was on fire. Sigh. But, one of my goals is to start running again and getting back my once-rockin' body and wear cute clothes again! Brownies have no control over me!!!!

I also want to wear the proverbial "Little Black Dress" again and look smokin' hot in it! Big girls can wear black dresses and I have many in my closet, but I want to wear one that doesn't require me to stuff myself into Spanx and then struggle to breath. I want to stun my husband and make him whisper a silent prayer of thanks that he is married to a smokin' hot babe!

I want to renew my vows on a beach in Hawaii wearing a beautiful wedding dress. My husband promised me when (not if, you'll notice, he has FAITH in ME)  he will take me to Hawaii and we will renew our vows. It's an amazing promise and more than anything, I want to give myself and him this gift.

I have more things on my Wish List, but I think these will keep me focused for now.

I will never be this weight again! Brownies? What brownies?

What's on your Wish List for when you reach your right weight?

Day #14 - Victories and Serenity

I had a moment of victory. Actually, I've had several moments of victory in the past few days. In an effort to celebrate EVERY victory, no matter how big or small, I'm going to share my latest victories with you.

First, I dropped a whole pant size. Yes, you heard me, a whole pant size in the first two weeks! Oh thank you Baby Jesus! My daughter and I were deciding (panicking) on what we were going to wear to the Kenny Chesney concert which was last Saturday ( it was an amazing concert and Kenny Chesney is a total hottie) and (I digress, sorry) during this whole thing, I thought maybe, just maybe, I could try on a pair of black pants my wonderful mother-in law bought for me, that I have been too fat to wear. So, I tried them on and THEY FIT!!! I was thrilled, ecstatic and so happy I almost cried. Now I realize it's only pants, not world peace or anything and I know it's only one size, and I know I have like a zillion more sizes to go to get to my goal weight and size, but I AM REVERSING THE TREND!!! Instead of going up, up, up I'm finally, finally going DOWN. I cannot begin to tell you how relieved and happy that makes me! It's a little victory, but a victory none the less.

Secondly, I am no longer dying of out of control cravings, hunger pangs and nonstop thoughts about inhaling any and all junk food. Suddenly my body seems to understand that we are DOING THIS. PERIOD. Finally, I feel like I can do this and function in my regular life. I have turned some sort of metabolic corner and the severe tantrums and rebellion my body was inflicting upon itself seems to be over and I feel amazingly under control. It's another victory and I'll take it.

Lastly, I have had a paradigm shift. This is not a diet. This is my life. I'm no longer looking to just lose the weight and then get "off" the diet. I'm changing my relationship with food and know that for the rest of my life, I will be a food addict and will have to watch my food intake carefully. But, I can handle that. I really can. Accepting the reality of my situation is a beautiful thing. It reminds me of the Serenity Prayer and the truth it holds:

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

I will never be this weight again! Amen.

A Hot Dog Is A Lousy Way To Blow 200 Calories

It's 10:30 PM and I'm starving. I had a busy day today, with a dentist appointment for my daughter, a deadline for a newspaper article I committed to write and taking care of my sweet hubby who came down with some sort of mutant flu. I ate a really light breakfast, got busy and didn't get my usual snacks in and by the time I got back home, I was BEYOND hungry and just grabbed the fastest and easiest thing I could find, a hot dog. I wolfed it down (I didn't even sit down to eat it) and whammo, there goes 200 calories and it did nothing to fill me up. SIGH. It was a rookie move on my part and I'm paying the price now. I could have done so much better with those 200 beautiful calories and I wouldn't be suffering now. But, I guess it is a lesson learned. I have to put my needs at the top of list. At this point and really over the last 23 years, since I became and wife and a mother I haven't put my needs even near the top of the list. Heck, they aren't even ON the list. Alas, and where has it gotten me? Overweight with high blood pressure and at risk for some serious health problems, including heart attack, stroke and cancer. Truthfully, I will never put myself first, it's just not in my DNA. But, a realistic goal is to put myself at the top of the list at least. You can't give from an empty cup and I know that. A healthy mom and wife is the best gift I can give my family and I know that, too. I just need to take what I know and put it into action. It seems that's what this journey is all about.

Day #7 - Made It Though My First Week!

I've made it through my first week on PRISM! I'm so proud of myself! I know this is a lifelong journey, but I'm also learning to CELEBRATE EVERY VICTORY. This is the longest I've stayed on a diet in years. Usually I start dieting on a Monday and by Wednesday I've given up. My husband told me today he thinks I've lost weight and I can tell my clothes are fitting a little looser. I'm dying to weigh, but I know that I must wait until the end of this phase (5 weeks) so I'm going to resist that temptation.

Today I ate out at Applebees and was pleased to see they had menu items under 550 calories. I chose a steak and grilled shrimp entree with steamed veggies and asked for more steamed veggies and no potatoes. I found the low carb (no potatoes) calorie count online and my lunch ended up being just 400 calories and it was delicious! It was great to know exactly how many calories I was eating instead of trying to guess. Cheers to Applebees for helping out our inner skinny girl!

Our PRISM group last night was really good. Different people were going through various struggles, but we were able to pray for one another and support each other, not only in our weight loss journey, but in this journey called LIFE. I'm really starting to love this group of ladies and I know the accountability and support is absolutely key for me.

I know I have decided this time. I know there is no going back. I've made up my mind. I'm never going to be this weight again. THANK GOD. Yay me!

I Think I Might Have Lost Some Weight! Can It Be?

I really think I'm starting to see some results already! Can this really be? My family says my face already is looking a little thinner and yesterday when I got dressed to go out to dinner, my pants and top seemed to fit better and a little looser. I've almost completed my first week of my 6 week first phase, and I already feel like I'm in better control of my eating, my cravings, my mood, my life!

Last night we went out to dinner with my daughter and her new boyfriend. I had to really think about what I could eat on the menu, but since it was a seafood place, I was able to get steamed crab legs and some veggies and I skipped the potatoes and viola! I stayed on plan! My husband ordered key lime pie for dessert and I honestly wasn't even tempted. The small changes I'm already seeing are keeping me motivated and one piece of pie just isn't worth it to me. In fact, there is left over pie in the fridge right now and normally I would HAVE to have it, but it's not even calling my name. Thank God! I guess once you DECIDE you've had enough and really desire to make a change, nothing is going to steer you off course.

I'm starting to feel like a normal person again, instead of someone who is completely and utterly controlled by food. It feels AMAZING. I want to hold on to this feeling, this state of mind and never go back to that place of sheer loss of control. It feels good to feel FREE!

Feeling Better!

Today I feel fantastic! I have energy and pep in my step and the sugar withdrawal-induced headache is gone. Thank goodness! I had my first eating out challenge today. I met a friend today for lunch at a fast food joint. I had their chicken salad (330 calories) and lite ranch dressing (110 calories). They print the calories on the back of the receipt, so that made counting easy. Also, I asked for their nutrition brochure listing all their menu items and their respective fat and calorie counts for future reference. I think I felt great all day because I ate a few more calories earlier in the day, which gave me much needed energy for the rest of the day.

So, I passed my first eating out challenge with flying colors. My daughter told me this morning she noticed my face looks a little thinner and it looks like I've lost a little weight. I think maybe I've lost 10 pounds or so, but can't weigh until the end of this phase, which is in about 5 weeks from now.

For exercise today I went out and weeded a large flower bed that had been seriously neglected. I dug up weeds and shoveled dirt for about 45 minutes. Not a gym workout, but I still worked up a little sweat, and that constitutes "activity" in my book! I have to be flexible in this area, and just focus on getting some physical activity each day. It's a baby step, but an important one, none the less.

I will never be this weight again! Yay for me!

UGH! Sugar Withdrawls SUCK!

Today was the first day I felt really awful. I knew this day would come: the beginning of sugar withdrawals. I guess my body finally noticed I stopped filling it with sugar and refined carbs and it went into full-on detox mode. I had a headache and lethargy and didn't even feel like taking a shower... it was that bad. My husband said I looked better after I emerged from surgery after my hysterectomy. Really? I looked that bad? Wow, sugar really is an evil, evil drug.

I did manage to do 30 minutes of Zumba first thing in the morning and MAN OH MAN I am out of shape! My main complaint about Zumba is that the steps are a little complicated and they go very fast. I thought I would love it, because I love to dance, but it wasn't as great as I thought it would be. I was kinda disappointed and now I'm looking for something else to do. I saw those kettle bells advertised on t.v., so I may give those a try. I think for me, the key is to just do SOMETHING ACTIVE everyday, and have some variety to my program. I get bored easily and that usually means I fall off the wagon, so I'll have to get creative to keep myself motivated to be active. My PRISM group is doing Zumba class tonight, but I'm not really ready to shake my over-sized groove thing in public...yet.

I counted up my calories for yesterday and I'd only eaten about 1,000 by the end of the day, so no wonder I was feeling really bad. Note to self, eating less than 1300 calories makes Kat cranky and lifeless! On another note, surprisingly my biggest temptation isn't cheating, but the urge to weigh myself, which is not allowed on the PRISM program. In fact, I won't step on the scale again until the end of the phase, which is in 6 weeks. I can tell already I've lost some weight and it's killing me not to jump on the scale! But, I understand the reasoning behind not weighing; it's better to work the program and see the reward at the end of 6 weeks than get on the emotional roller coaster by what you see on the scale each day, since weight fluctuates. So far I'm sticking to the program like glue and I hope to be down at least 20 pounds by the end of Phase 1.

Well, I'm off to look for some sort of activity to make me sweat! I will never be this weight again! Yahoo!

Becoming Aware Of My Addiction

Today was my first day really working the PRISM program and suddenly I am aware of how much "unconscious eating" I have been doing to this point and how much I rely on food to ease my stress and stuff my emotions. Today I wrote down every single item that went into my mouth. I had to look up the calorie count for everything and weigh and measure each portion. This sounds like a pain, but it is helping me to make better food choices. When you only have 1300 calories for an entire day, suddenly fat free milk on your oatmeal sounds like a great idea, because the calories saved there means you can eat a little bit more throughout the rest of your day. Also, I am eating when I'm actually hungry. True hunger is something I haven't felt in a long time. I've just been eating out of stress, boredom, habit. I was using food as a crutch, like cigarettes, alcohol or drugs. I've looked down on my brother who has struggled (and lost mostly) with a drug addiction since age 18 (he's 52 now). I've often wondered (and said out loud) "Why can't he give the drugs up once and for all? Can't he see what his addiction is costing him?" Yet, here I am, overweight to the point it is affecting my life and health in very negative ways, but yet I continued on in my ADDICTION. I am addicted to food. I admit that now. There's no denying it. I just found a more socially acceptable drug, food, that I can abuse to elevate my mood and cope with the stress of life, that doesn't come with a jail sentence if I'm caught abusing it. I understand my brother's addiction so much more now that I have accepted the reality and truth of my own addiction. I accept that I will always be an addict, but I believe in a Higher Power that can give me the strength to overcome it. I believe God has a plan for my life and that as long as I am bound by my addiction to food, I will never fully realize my potential or His plan. I no longer want to be controlled by food. I'm choosing to rely on God for my strength, because this addiction is more than I can manage on my own. I understand the AA mantra of "One Day At A Time", because when you are an addict, you have to manage it that way. You can't look down the road a year from now, you have to take it day by day, and even sometimes, hour by hour and moment by moment. So today, I'm choosing to make better choices this day. I'm taking it One Day At A Time.

Joined a Support Group!

Okay, so I figured out I really need the support and accountability of a group. I had great success losing 72 pounds on the PRISM Weight Loss Program twelve years ago and so I emailed the home office of PRISM yesterday looking for a local group to join and they immediately emailed me back with two groups in my area. I called the contact person and she called me back and told me the group was starting a new phase of the program that evening! It was Divine Intervention! I went to the group and LOVED it and realized why I had such great success last time. The support of a group of women traveling together on the same weight loss journey is so helpful. It's so inspiring to hear other success stories and celebrate as each person reaches a milestone of weight loss. So, I'm committing to PRISM once again.

I was weighed and my measurements taken last night at the meeting and according to the program guidelines, I won't be able to weigh again until the end of this first phase, which is in 6 weeks. I also signed an "Agreement of Resolution" which states I will follow the program guidelines exactly and will not cheat or else I will remove myself from the group and program. That's the kind of accountability I need!

I'm excited about finding a new PRISM group and excited I will never be this weight again!

Day #1- No More Madness

Today is Day #1. I got on the scale for a first time in a long time and almost died from the shock and horror of my weight. I am within a few pounds of my all time high. I really have to commit to making a life change or I'm going to just keeping ballooning up and up. At what point would I say enough is enough? I have to draw the line in the sand now, today and say NO MORE to this madness.

About 12 years ago, I followed a weight loss plan called PRISM and lost 72 pounds. I felt and looked fantastic! It focused on the spiritual and emotional aspects of self-esteem and overeating and I had a tremendous support group at my church and they really held me accountable and I lost the weight. Then, after 10 years of infertility (I'm sure because of my weight) I got pregnant! We were thrilled! However, I had never made it to the maintenance phase, so after the birth of my daughter, I gained back all the weight, plus some. Sigh. So here I am again, determined to not just diet, but make a real life change and look at food and exercise in a new way and finally take control of my life back from food addiction!

So, knowing that PRISM worked for me, and knowing that one of the two most effective tools on PRISM is a daily food journal (every bite, every sip, recorded) and counting calories and staying 1200 or below, I want to implement those aspects into my current plan. I also had some success on South Beach Diet a year ago, losing 20 pounds in the first month. I also like the heart-healthy aspects of South Beach, so I'm going to follow South Beach and also write out a daily food journal as well as count calories, being sure to stay 1200 or under.

Here's what I ate today. I did really well and stayed right on track!

Breakfast:
2 eggs cups (just baked eggs, no meat or cheese)  70 calories each=  150
2 TB salsa= 10
Coffee w/ art. sweetener and 4T FF 1/2 & 1/2= 70
Breakfast total calories= 220

Mid-morning snack
1/2 c. low fat cottage cheese= 100

Lunch
1 hard boiled egg= 70
1 cup saute zucchini in 1/2 T olive oil= 40
Total lunch calories= 110

Afternoon snack
skim cheese stick= 70

Dinner
6 oz baked breast of chicken= 300
4 TB low fat/low sugar ranch dressing= 120
Skim cheese stick= 70
2 cups lettuce= 20
mushrooms raw 3.5 oz= 15
Dinner total calories= 525

Dessert
30 pistachios- 150

TOTAL DAILY CALORIES:  1,175


I didn't exercise this first day, but I am starting Zumba tomorrow. I had to just get through this first day and get myself focused and organized. I'm planning on exercising in the morning so that I don't procrastinate and end up working out right before bed.

So far, so good!

I Will Never Be This Weight Again

I will never be this weight again. I have had it. I'm sick and tired of being fat and unhappy about my body and how it looks. I want to feel healthy again. I want to be active and run and play with my kids and have energy again. I want to look good in my clothes again. I hope by keeping this blog journal, it will help me stay focused and accountable, even if no one ever finds this blog and I inspire no one. I have to do this for me. I don't want to die early. I want every possible moment on this planet with my kids and my husband and my family and friends. I want to be a good example for my kids and I want them to never worry again about me and my weight. I'm ready to accept I will have to change my eating habits for the rest of my life. I accept this may take a very long time to get all the weight off. I accept exercise will need to be part of my everyday life and routine. I accept I cannot cheat. I accept I must take this one day at a time. I accept I must find a new way to relieve stress. I accept I am addicted to food. I accept that I must treat this like an addiction and call upon a High Power to strengthen me and help me to change the things I can and give up trying to change the things I can't.

I'm excited! I'm a little scared! I will never be this weight again! Yahoo!

Tomorrow is officially Day #1, but I think today should really count as Day #1, because today is the day

I DECIDED TO CHANGE.