This Is A Test, Only A Test

I'm leaving for my annual family reunion tomorrow. I have mixed emotions as I prepare for this year's trip. I love my family, I really do, but they are, well, how do I put this delicately.... NUTS. We come from a broken and abusive home, and from broken parents. This has manifested itself in many shades of co-dependency and dysfunction. Each one of us learned to cope in different ways, but it seems using food as a way to self-medicate is something we all have in common. Food and eating has always been the glue that helped our shattered family stick together. Our faith played a major role, too, don't get me wrong. But, food and eating was the one place where we could all find common ground. Well, this year, I'm not going to be participating in the same way I have for most of my life. My view of food has changed radically over these past few months. Now, I'm starting to view food as fuel for my body instead of a soothing salve to make my problems disappear for awhile and numb me to the harsh realities of life. I know this week-end I will face tremendous temptation, not only with the kind of food available, but the lure of wanting to bond with my family using food. How will I resist these temptations: both the physical and the emotional? I think preparation is key.

First, I'm aware of what I'm going to face. I'm not in denial about it. I know it's going to be hard, and my success will depend not on will power alone, but by recognizing my triggers and having a plan. I know for me, I'm often triggered by feelings of rejection or by confrontation. As I write this, my older sister isn't really speaking to me. Despite multiple attempts on my part to extend the olive branch, she is mad at me and really hasn't spoken to me in over a year. We used to be very close and I've grieved over the loss of our relationship, but I've come to realize I cannot make her love me (nor do I want to "make" anyone do anything, especially love me). I've come to realize this is her problem, not mine. However, this will be only the second time I've seen her in over a year, so this presents both of my triggers, rejection and confrontation all rolled into one. After much prayer, I have concluded I will do my best to love her, forgive her, and move on. If she chooses to treat me unkindly, I've decided to do one simple thing: walk away.I'm not going to engage in bitter confrontation. I'm not going to participate in co-dependent drama. If she wants to talk privately with me and mend our relationship, great! But, I'm not going to allow myself to be sucked into anything negative or destructive. Not simply because I don't like confrontation, but because IT'S NOT GOOD FOR ME. I've finally decided that, I MATTER TOO. I'm not going to allow anyone or anything to de-rail me, or get me off track in any way. I've come too far and have too much at stake to allow anything to sabotage my progress.

So friends, please say a prayer for me if you would. I need all the help I can get. This reunion will be a test for me on many, many levels. But, in the end, it's only a test, not a place where I need to stay. I believe with the Lord's help, I can be victorious even in the toughest situations. I'm imagining how wonderful I'll feel after the end of the reunion when I look back at how well I stayed on my program, and had fun with my family at the same time. I can do this! I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me!