An Island Of Calm In A Sea Of Dysfunction

I'm not doing well. My job is a chaotic nightmare of dysfunction and if you knew me, you would know I really can't stand working in dysfunction. I had enough of that growing up with an alcoholic, abusive father, who after years of physical and emotional abuse, blessed my mother and all of us six children by abandoning us. Merry Christmas.

I'm trying to get into the holiday spirit, I really am, but I'm just not feeling it this year. Our tree was up and the house completely decorated the day after Thanksgiving. I was doing awesome with my eating, tracking and exercise and then I had to take this god-forsaken job and now I'm fighting to keep my head above water both with my diet and exercise plans as well as my emotional health. I know I should be thankful I have a good paying job, especially in this economy when so many people are out of work, but it's an emotionally draining job, trying to help vulnerable people in need. Add to that, co-workers who are immature and not qualified and a company that cares more about the bottom line than the people they are supposed to be helping and you have a recipe for not only disaster, but my current funk.

I have to snap out of this. I have to find a way to make myself an island of calm in a sea of dysfunction. I know how to do that. I've been doing it my entire life. I guess I'm just really tired of having to do that. Sometimes I don't feel like being the professional one, the strong one, the organized one, the nice one, the reliable one, the calm one. I know I should be grateful for my blessings and I am. I thank the Lord everyday for the mountain of blessings he has heaped upon me that I don't deserve. I know I should be grateful I wasn't born in Africa, Nicaragua or any other horrible place where life is really hard. I know I'm feeling sorry for myself. I know I am. I know it's wrong, but it's just how I feel. I need to snap out of this, but I just don't know if I have the strength to. I want to tell people to "Grow up!". I don't want to do other  people's jobs because they are too lazy or stupid or both to do them. I don't want to smile when  I really just want to scream or cry. I don't want to go to work every day and put up with other people's b.s. just because I need a paycheck. I want to stay home and be a wife and mother and cook yummy food for my family and make my home cozy and count and track my food perfectly and exercise when I want and have time to write and knit and read a good book.

I have to find a way out of this. I don't want to go backwards. I have to find a way to make this all work because I never want to be this weight again.