Lessons I Learned From My Brother

My brother is a meth addict. Even as I type those words, a part of me is still startled by this sad fact. It took our family, especially our mother, years to even acknowledge he had a drug "problem". Finally, when the wreckage and carnage of his life was impossible to ignore, my mother finally had to admit he had a problem with drugs.

We tried a family intervention with the help of a licensed counselor/clergy person. It was like a scene from the t.v. show "Intervention", in that we surprised him with the intervention, but it was in my mother's home and not at a hotel and we had didn't have an experienced interventionist. It didn't go too well. My brother responded like most addicts do, with anger. He has always tried to control us and our mom with anger because, frankly, we all hate conflict and suffer from PTSD from years of our abusive father using anger and violence to control us. I guess you could say my brother found what worked for him and stuck to it. He exploded, refused to go to treatment and lashed out at all of us. But, he knew who the weakest link was, our mom, and he really went after her. She was so afraid of losing her relationship with him (typical co-dependent behavior), that she caved almost instantly. Since she was the one giving him a place to live, money to buy drugs and enabling him in every way to be, and remain, a drug addict, without her standing strong and united with the rest of us, the intervention crumbled like a house of cards.

My brother knew in that moment, she would never deny him, and he walked out the door, assured this was just a minor bump in the road, and nothing had changed. He knew he could continue to use and our mom would be there to help him do it. Watching them do their addict-co-dependent dance was surreal. You don't often get to see dysfunction played out in such real detail right in front of you. It was textbook. It was one of the saddest things I had ever seen. I knew in that moment, nothing was ever going to change because my mother was unable or unwilling (or both) to allow my brother to hit bottom. I knew in that moment, my brother would never get clean and sober because my mother wouldn't let him. I knew my brother would die from drugs.

It was one of the saddest days of my life.

I used to judge my brother. I just couldn't understand why he couldn't just stay away from the drugs? Couldn't he see what the drugs were doing to his body, his health, his life? At one time my brother was my hero. He was charismatic and funny and when he walked into the room, you just knew your day was going to get better. He was the life of the party and people just wanted to be around him. He was a hard worker, with a great reputation in the construction industry. He showed up to work early, stayed late and took pride in his work. He never had to look for work, as his good reputation proceeded him and every foreman wanted him on his team. He could work circle around guys 10 years younger than him. He always had money, paid his bills on time, had a new car every couple of years and had a beautiful home.

In the early years of his addiction he was using cocaine. He was still able to function and many people didn't think he was an addict. After many years of being a "highly functional" cocaine user, he was introduced to meth. He told me he was hooked from the very first time he used it. He told me it was a high he had never experienced before and it was so intense, all he could think about was doing it again. He told me from that day forward, he spent 23 hours of every 24 hour day, figuring out how to get more meth. It was at this point his life became completely out of control. He couldn't hold down a job, so he couldn't pay his bills. He lost his home, his wife and his son. He lost his car and was flat broke.

At first, he was still able to get work because of his excellent reputation. But, he would show up just long enough to get some money in his pocket and then he would go missing for days and sometimes weeks, on a meth binge. We called it M.I.A., Missing In Action. My mother would be frantic, calling his cell phone, driving around looking for him, checking hospitals, etc. Of course he got fired for not showing up, but he didn't care. He'd just get another job with another company that knew the "old him", the one who was a hard worker and showed up to work and did a great job.

They didn't know that person was gone.

He would show up and work just long enough to get money for meth and then take off again, and the cycle continued. Because of his stellar reputation, this went on for several years before he had burned every bridge and no one would hire him. He had a new reputation now. He was the sad, pathetic User who used to be a good worker and person before he got into drugs. Now he was homeless, sleeping here and there, sometimes with a family member who felt sorry for him, or in a meth house in filthy, frightening conditions with other meth addicts.

He has lost everything. That is what his addiction has done for him.


I just try to understand.


 Here are the 12 Steps from Over Eaters Anonymous. They are taken from the 12 Steps from Alcoholics Anonymous. Like an alcoholic who is looking for help and finds strength from "working" the 12 steps from AA, I think those of us who struggle with food addiction can find that same kind source of wisdom and strength from these OA steps.

THE OA TWELVE STEPS (taken from the OA website)

"The Twelve Steps are the heart of the OA recovery program. They offer a new way of life that enables the compulsive eater to live without the need for excess food.
The ideas expressed in the Twelve Steps, which originated in Alcoholics Anonymous, reflect practical experience and application of spiritual insights recorded by thinkers throughout the ages. Their greatest importance lies in the fact that they work! They enable compulsive eaters and millions of other Twelve-Steppers to lead happy, productive lives. They represent the foundation upon which OA is built."

 

The Twelve Steps of Overeaters Anonymous

1. We admitted we were powerless over food — that our lives had become unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5. Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.
9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.
11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these Steps, we tried to carry this message to compulsive overeaters and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

Thank God I'm learning about addiction and understanding it more.
Thank God there is support for addicts who want help.
Thank God I'll never be this weight again.